It's May and I'm behind ...

May's resolution? No clue. Actually I am putting this one off. There are so many things I should/could be doing better but don't.

There are lots of choices ..

* Get my car detailed - I really am putting that one off. (we have tan interior and the floors get so nasty. Spills, winter snow and dirt, grime .. I hate getting in my car for that very reason. If only I had picked black... I didn't realize when moving here how dirty white snow actually is)

* Stop using my favorite word s#%& (this would be a good one to do .. I keep waiting for it to come out of my children's mouth. It only takes 19 days to stop (or start) a habit ... so at a month I should be 'cured')

* Cut out the middle of the night snacking (this happens every single night without fail and it's total junk like chocolate chips, marshmallows, animal crackers, cookies. Although, I have never eaten butter like those freaks you see on Oprah. Guess it's not that bad)

* Stop yelling at my kids (this one is definitely more for me than them, although they would benefit. They never react the way I want them to when I yell .. but man, it makes me feel so much better)

* Establish my cleaning routine again (I used to be so OCD about this. Monday was my cleaning day and there wasn't anything that could get in the way of that. I went no where .. didn't talk on the phone ... until it was ALL done. Now - I find any excuse to leave my house on Mondays. Problem is - it's still there when I return. Then the rest of the week wasn't designated as cleaning day so it just doesn't get done. What have I turned into??)

* Organize my photos on the computer. Upload them and turn them into books that can be printed and mailed to me. (Again, I used to be so into scrapbooking. I wasn't ever behind. Ever. I have album after album of beautiful pages. Then I got a month behind, then two and now it's been 4 years. I have decided that I just don't have time to scrap anymore. Sad but just reality. I have decided to put that money into having Snapfish put them into nice, clean books. Click. Drag. Drop. Done. I can still journal with the pics but will just use this quick keyboard instead of painstaking sticker letters or having to find just the right pre-printed caption. More power to those who can keep up with scrapbooking, but for me .. that reality is gone. NOW .. it's still an issue - when am I going to actually do what I say? Will it take another 4 years? Maybe.)

After reading what I just wrote I am appalled. When did I turn into this person I said I would never be? When did I completely lose control of my life? I USED to have it all together. USED to is becoming a word that now describes me.

Uh-oh. I'm about to go off on a tangent. I feel it.

Another thing I have become that I said I NEVER would is a mother who .. what's the word? .. not doesn't care .. but more like doesn't have the energy I USED to. For example... I now sit in the back row at church. Before I lost my mind, I would have these cute little file folders for my children to do during sacrament meeting. Or they could bring in the Friend magazine and quietly look. No snacks, that's for sure. No bathroom breaks either... you do it before you sit down or at the end .. even if your eyes are watering. Hmmm... NOW it's more like my bag is full of food. Chocolate, candy .. junk food. Anything to keep the animals happy. I even REMIND them now to bring their game boys. I think they make 20 trips each to the bathroom or to get water.

Good thing they are too old for carseats. Good thing they can fix their own meals. Good thing for TV. Good thing for video games. Good thing there's not a bike helmet law here. Good thing their knees are tough.

I've lost it. How far is too far? Don't answer that .. I think I've already crossed the line.

And I wonder why Eli is always in the ER.

Now I'm thinking maybe the month's resolution should be to just be a good parent. But I don't know how anymore.

I'll let you know at the end of the month what I picked and how I did. That is .. if you don't read about us in the newspaper first.