Controversial

Again, sometimes my filter doesn't work. Well, a lot of the time. If I am willing to discuss my breast implants in a blog .. I suppose not much is off limits.

Some of us girls had a pretty good discussion last week at Bunko. Someone posed the question .. that if you knew your daughter was having or going to have sex would you put her on birth control.

Well, do you?

Some would say that if you do then you are giving her permission to have sex.

I say .. if she's going to do it .. she's going to do it - whether you give her permission or not. I certainly don't want to be a grandmother at 36. So for me .. I'll do it. For sure.

And this brings me to my baby girl. From the first moment I looked into her innocent newborn eyes I had a fear. One of my greatest fears was that she would have sex before she was married. Before she was ready. Why that became a fear I focused on .. not sure. But it was.

So what do you do when your greatest fear stares you right in the face?

For me .. I had to stare back. And act. I think the easy way out is to ignore it. That was a thought .. a fleeting one.

Hayley has grown up in the church. I have taught her right from wrong.. good from bad. Consequences for actions .. both immediate and delayed. Can I control every choice she makes? I sure the heck tried. Sure the heck didn't work.

But now I have to ask myself if she makes a bad choice .. do I ignore it? No. Disown her. Not a chance. Turn my back on her? Certainly not.

I want my home to be a place where we can discuss topics openly. I think I have accomplished that goal. We have a pact at this point to where if I ask her a question ... sometimes she comes back with, "do you really want to know the answer, because I will tell you". Boom .. it's back on me. That's okay. It's hard but in my opinion a necessary hard. Frank, honest, open.

Mormon or not .. she's going to make choices and has made choices that I don't agree nor endorse nor encourage. Never-the-less she has her free agency that I can not take away from her. Nor should I try because that will only alienate me from her life.

For those out there who want to clue me in on what is going on in Hayley's life... trust me, I know. And probably knew well before you. I may not want to know, but I do. And as painful as it is .. I still know. One thing I won't be is clueless about my teenager. I refuse to wear blinders that others may. I refuse to even think that my daughter won't make bad choices. I will not have the Molly- Mormon -my -daughter -never -does -wrong -attitude.

I will stare my fear in the eye.

Back to birth control. Will I protect my daughter? To my very last breath.


So .. that brings me to a few days ago in the doctor's office with Hayley. On the table. Crying. On the verge of hysterics. She didn't want the shot. Interesting. It's like my 15 year old wanting to make choices she's not ready for, turning in to my little 5 year old getting an immunization shot. Visions of her being my little girl flashed in front of me. This wasn't fun. Not at all. On so many different levels.


She turns to the nurse, tears flowing "is this going to hurt??"

Nurse looks at me "well, yes dear, yes it is. it's actually the biggest needle we have".

I snicker. I really, honestly couldn't help it.

Hayley looks at me and says "I hate you."

I look back and lovingly smile "I hate you too."
Our relationship has taken on a new level. I am going to try to embrace it with a smile. What other choice do I have?


So, you think this can't happen to you too? Well, IF it does - pull up a chair, grab a coke .. and I'll listen.