bumps

I hate it when life seems to be balancing ... things seem to be going smoother. Then someone gives you that slight push and it ALL tumbles down. It's the most unsettling feeling. Friday was so wonderful. Sat wasn't bad either. I'm trying to remember what I did Sat. Oh yeah .. now I remember and it was actually not just 'not bad' .. but that day was fabulous. So fabulous I will blog about it. Eventually. After evil feelings subside.

I hate feeling out of control of my life. Feeling as if I am not in the drivers seat. It's hard to remember that I can only control myself and my reactions to situations. I can't control what other's do around me.

I talk about Hayley and how hard it is to raise her right now. That is no lie. But when someone starts spitting darts her way .. I will step in and take those hits for her. She's not easy but damn- it she's MY NOT EASY. Not anyone else's. When I say I will fight to my very last breath for that girl .. I'm not lying. I will.

Raising my girl ...I don't know if I am doing this right .. but it's the only way I know how. I am walking in the dark, feeling my way through the trees. I tripped over a bump yesterday and skinned my knees.

I'll get back up and start moving forward again. There will be a scar there but I like to think of them as little reminders.

I never understood Emma Smith and how in my mind she didn't endure to the end. I now understand her ... there's only so much pain one person can take. I understand. I am grateful for her example. Someday I plan on hugging her.

For now, I'll hug Hayley instead. Someone needs to ... someone needs to be in her corner and I'll be the first to volunteer.