Thursday, July 10, 2014

ADHD. Pinterest. Slit my throat.

So it begins ...

Pinterest.

And how I don't learn.

And how my brain tries to take on too much at one time.

Why does Pinterest suck me in?  Sucks me in ... makes me think I have super powers ... sends my brain into a euphoria ... thinking anything is possible when it comes to remodeling my house.  By myself.  I look ... I pin .... I pin more ... I get excited ... I get ideas .... I think my house should be instantly transformed into a pottery barn model.  I think I can do it all.  Pinterest tells me I can.  And it's so simple.  And the instructions.  So easy.  Who freaking writes these blogs and then pins just the right photo to suck me into a living nightmare?

It's actually fascinating how I create my own living hell.  I do it.  All on my own.  I can blame Pinterest.  But I should know better ... than to believe everything on the internet.  But I still do.  Because I get punked ... by words like "easy" "simple" "inexpensive" "do it yourself" "save money" "model home" ... and then add the pretty eye candy picture next to those words.

Hook.

Line.

Sinker.

I'm shocked I don't have 14 children.  Because honestly there's something messed up in the part of my brain that can't remember pain.  That's GOT to be a real condition.  I'm pretty sure it is a long name .. with the word "itis" on the end of it.

All I know.  Is that once you start ... a major home project/renovation .. you can't stop.  You can't just give up.  Throw in the towel.  Say ... eh never mind.

You should look at Pinterest.  Then immediately say "nevermind"

The newest project started like this ..

I wake up one Sunday morning and thought about getting ready for church.  I walk down the stairs.  I look at the stairs.  Then I study the stairs.  Then I think ... "hmmmm ... I wonder what's under there". Then I decide to take a quick peek.  Then that curiosity leads to this ...






 Me ripping the sides of the carpet going up the stairs.  All the way up the stairs.  And down stairs.  And wondering who covers up perfectly good wood with carpet?  How tacky.

Then I realize I just tore all my carpet up.  Then I realize I need new carpet on the stairs.  Then realize I actually need new carpet in the whole entire house.  Then I realize that before I need new carpet I may as well paint the entire main level a new color.  Because on Pinterest I see all the buzz about grey walls.  Everyone loves grey walls.  Grey walls are in.  Look how pretty grey walls can be.  Look at how you can paint grey walls to look beautiful.

For one .. I may forget but I'm not stupid.  I did paint the upstairs room grey.  And it was beautiful. And it was painful.  And I am never painting walls again.

Called the painter.  How much is that?  Yeah ... I don't care.  Come paint.  Please.  Because I need new paint .. before I can get carpet.  And I really need new carpet.  Because I just tore my stairs up.

This is all happening ... because I wanted to know what was under the carpet.

Don't look under your carpet.

Step 1 complete .... Paint main living floor grey.

Before the paint (which was Benjamin Moore Revere Pewter, btw ... Pinterest told me what color to use).





After Benjamin Moore Revere Pewter ...


Yes ... it was the instant the painters walked out that I realized.  Yeah ... and ... nothing I have inside this house matches the walls I just painted.  To include the bannister.  And clearly, I had no choice but to fix that.

To be continued (and you'll wanna follow this story.  mostly because it serves as a warning to all those whom I love.  if I hate you and you're reading this ...keep reading ...follow in my footsteps, because I want you to die).



Sunday, June 1, 2014

Shut up .. it snows in Colorado?

Every single year .. without fail ... I have tons of pics on my Iphone from when it snows.

Like why?

Is this a shock?  Am I surprised every time this occurs?

I wake up.  Look out.  OH MY GOSH HOLY BATMAN BALLS IT SNOWED!!!!!  Lemme get my phone. Documentation.  






Oh my gosh.  Those pictures were like .... so ... shockingly ... similar to every other December.

Right.

One would assume after 7 years ... I could just be able to move beyond that thought process.

But nope.  Can't do it.  Snow.  It SNOWED! GRRRRRRRRR ...

Although ... this year ... has been the first year since living here that I haven't gone into a deep anxious depression over the snow.  Oh no.  Here it comes.  Oh great.  I might die.  What if I have to drive in it? What if it's like really cold?  What if I can't warm up? What if I have carpool and it's snowing?  Does saline freeze?  What if my boobs get so cold, they freeze? Then burst. Like they are so close to my heart .. then my heart freezes ... THEN I DIE!

Anxiety every year.

I was proud of myself this winter.  I really took a moment to think about my unnatural fear of snow. The conclusion I came up with was that the underlying anxiety came from .. driving in it.  I have had so many close calls.  So many freak out moments.  In the car.  Sliding.  Not knowing if I was going to be able to stop.  My heart in my throat.  Arms and hands shaking.  Grabbing the wheel tighter.  Sitting up closer. Radio off.  ** Rant - ever notice that anytime something gets intense in the car, the radio is the first to go?  You can't find your way or trying to figure directions out.  Radio off.  It's raining hard.  Radio off.  It's snowing .. you might slide.  Radio off.  Like the car might not slide if you aren't listening to music ... or music is going to cause you to miss your turn.  OH MY GAWD ... I'm in Kansas because I got lost ... mostly because the radio was on.  Actually .. that could happen.  Never mind.

So anyway .. with that mystery solved ... I tried to fix the underlying problem.  Snow.  Panic.  Driving. Snow tires.  I needed snow tires.

Call BMW ...drive in.  Hey my favorite hook up beamer cutie guy ... I need snow tires.  Gimme a good deal.  Because whatever you quote me ... I don't wanna pay that.  He knows what's up.  But this time looks at me like I'm three headed alien.  He actually tells me I do NOT need snow tires. Wha???  I have to.  I live in Colorado.  And I might die.  No Alana, you drive an xdrive .. all wheel drive .. and these are all weather tires you have on.  You don't need them.  Trust me.
Fine.  He actually talked me into that bulls*** logic.
Well.  A week later.  It snowed.  I naturally freak out.  I naturally had to drive in it.  Naturally I slid maybe like a cm.  But still.  It was real.
Drove right back to my "dealer".  Gimme tires.  Now.  Now.  Now.  No, really Ms Wester (remember Steven we had this talk ... call me by that one more time and I'll cut half your tongue off - just half .. the whole thing would be uncalled for) .. you don't need them.  Listen to me ... I drive a 3 series.  My sister drives a 3 series. If I thought for one second my sister would be safer in snow tires... she would have them.
Fine.  I leave.  Like the trusting soul I am.  Idiot.  Again.  But really ...what dealership refuses a $1000 sale TWICE?  He's not a good "dealer".
Well.  Guess what?  Yeah.  It snowed again.  Again ... I drive.  Again ... I think I felt a slide.
ANGRY drive back to my "dealer".
LOOK ME IN THE EYEBALL STEVEN.  PUT THEM ON RIGHT THIS SECOND. AND I WANT A GOOD DEAL. AND A COOL LOANER.  DO IT. NOW.

So my new adventure in the snow began.  I really felt like I had super powers.  I am here to tell you that if you live in a place where it snows for the entire winter .. and you have carpool ... YOU NEED SNOW TIRES.  Probably the best thing that's ever happened in my life.  Okay... so best thing that's ever happened in my life while driving in the snow.  It was miracle making.  I woke up ... saw snow... and was like OH YEAH BRING THAT BITCH.

So this year .. I calmed the freak WAY down.  Was cool watching it snow ... and finding peace with it. We are out of milk?  That's okay ... super bad ass wonder - snow tires sportin' - wonder mom has that under control.

What I do find funny every winter ... is Jack.  Jack my other son.  He wears shorts every damn day.  I didn't see him in pants once this winter.  THIS is the way you roll in the winter if you've got swag ...




Then again ... here's how Eli takes out the trash in the dead of winter ...


Carry on Colorado.  Because in Castlewood Ranch ... we don't roll like bosses ...more like - executives.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Nuggets season 2013-2014


Nuggets.

Girls.

Basketball.

Pepsi center.

Bring it.

Went to one of the first games with Stacey...


Ate donuts.  And nachos.  And then nachos ended up all down the front of my shirt ... as I'm trying to be all pretty.  Gotta give that dream up.  But Stacey was still next to me looking all hot .. completely having to hold up the team that night.  Good job Stace!

Next game was with Tracy.  This particular night we ended up on the jumbo tron three times.  And every freaking time we looked like we were caught stealing. Not hearts. But gum.  Like a 7-11 security cam steal.  First it's the tap from behind.  "look up" they say.  Then we look up.  Then we stare like idiots.  Then we duck and cover our faces ... like bigger idiots.  Truly a talent to look that horrible bigger than life.



Alana ... check out that guy over there.  I saw him first.  No Tracy ... I really wanted to leave with him tonight.  I'll fight ya.  Okay.  That's an example of how mean girls entertain themselves.  The entire time we made a point to continually watch him.  Catch his eye.  By the end of the night he was staring back.  I would blame it on high seats ... and not being able to focus on the game.  But we could be sitting in the middle of the court with the giant black men dripping sweat on us and still single someone out to play head games with. We roll ... like ballers.


Next game ... she and I ended up .. on the court .... and .....



ON THE STUPID JUMBO TRON AGAIN ....
but THIS time we did what I typically don't do.  And that's learn how to not look like a complete anti social jack ass.  Look Alana ... we are up there.  Large as life again.  Okay.  Act cool.  Smile.
This pic - compliments of Hayley ... who had it sent to her by a friend "hey Hayley ... isn't this your mom?  We are at the game and she's obviously here"


 Here's my playa Ty chattin with the assistant coach.  I don't know why ... Trace and I were trying to give him plenty of advice from our seats. "NO Ty ... you may not have your lollipop until AFTER you make a 3... now stop pouting .. and go play ball"


Next game ... took my boys.  Jackson was super excited.  Eli, not so much.  I spent 95% of the game listening to Eli "mom ... check out that player.  He looks homeless.  Why is his hair like that?  Hey .. can I put my feet up here?  I'm hungry.  See that woman in front of us?  Why is she so ugly?  Look at that guy sitting next to you.  He looks like Homer.  Think I could jump from those high seats and grab on to that bar?"  Then when he lost interest in chatting with me.. he leans over to Jackson and starts punching him. "ELI SERIOUSLY I'M GOING TO BODY SLAM YOU I'M TRYING TO WATCH THE GAME".  The dude sitting next to Jackson kept giving me the stink eye .. like control your children.  Sorry old guy ...have been trying for years .. ain't happenin'


 Here Eli .. let's take a selfie.  Ruins every picture with "that face".

 Move your head so I can take a pic of your brother ...



Jackson ... can you please NOT make "that face" too?

This happened to be the one and only game I took them to.  Not a clue why I wouldn't want to put myself through that torture on a regular.  I'd rather have a shark eat me .. then spit me out ... only for a killer whale to scoop up my remains and shoot me out through his blow hole.


Next game ... was a bonus.  For me and my Tracy.  On the floor.  Center court.  Next to a guy who needed desperately for me to know what a big deal he was.  People are pretty awesome.  And so self centered.  Does he really honestly think anyone watching from their couches at home ... are REALLY scouring the crowd for his face?  "You know.. I have to get my alcohol put in a pepsi cup and drink it with a straw ...in case people are watching".  People don't care about your sorry ass and your fancy button up shirt with shiny cuff links.  Check yourself.  And go lift some weights while you're at it.  "I have like over a million hits on YouTube as of last week".  I'd like to hit you a million times in the face. As Tracy is next to me saying "this hairy guy on the other side of me won't stop touching my arm with the hair on his arm.  Alana .. I might puke..." as she's sitting on top of me.
Highlight ... making fun of the Pacers ... best team in the NBA this season.  If you're so good ... wash your hair before you play dude.  Anyway .. Nuggets won.  Probably their best game of the season. And that was too bad.  That they sucked. For the rest of the season.




This next game was a little bitter sweet.  I waited all season for this.  Courtsides for the Clippers game. Right next to their bench.  One .. Chauncy Billups went to the Clippers.  Two ... JJ Reddick was also sent to the Clippers this season.  So Chauncy isn't playing ... and basically threw my bucket list off.  I have faced the fact that I may never rub his bald head.  BUT low and behold JJ.  My all time NBA crush.  He was playing for Magic.. but was traded.  Which was the BEST NEWS EVER FOR ME.  We don't ever play Magic here in Denver. BUT we do play the Clippers ... all the time .. multiple times.  So he was comin' to Denver.  And I was going to sit basically in his lap.  And he was going to look in my eyes ... and fall in love with me ... and take me home ... and marry me ... and we would have the most beautiful babies in the universe (ok .. forget that last part .. I don't care how much I'm crushin' .. the baby thing is off the table).  But.  It.  Was.  All.  Going.  Down.  That.  Night.

Until ...

Hi JJ ... I'm coming.  Hold tight.


Then .... I saw him.  Tracy ... that's not HIM is it??  Like really ... it's not.  It can't be.  No.
Yes .. .that small-ish looking dude ...with small-ish like arms ... with Elvis like hair ... OH MY GOSH THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.  All my hopes and dreams were crushed ... in a single moment.  Talk about panic.  Then he came over to the bench.  He laid on the floor.  He messed with his greasy Elvis head.  He put his shirt on inside out.  He put a towel inside his inside out shirt.  WHO IS THIS IDIOT??  Not the fake future father to the next child I am never having.  No.  It's not him.  
I had to send him a text to break up with him.  As he sat on the floor next to his other teammates.  I mean .. why can't he sit on a chair like everyone else?  I'm pretty sure he was heart broken.  As they lost the game.  I couldn't even take another pic of him that night.  Because it was all awkward.  How can he look so different on TV ... and so ... like ... gumby ... right in front of me??


Can you see in my eyes ... how heartbroken I was?  Disappointed isn't even close to the emotion I was having.  More like life altering devastation.  Look closely.  You can see the sadness.



I had to refocus.  Get my head back into the game.  Matt Barnes sat closest to us. He gave me an "eye" ... that's pretty much all it took to get over the anguish of JJ.  All of the sudden .. Matt's tattoos came to life.  I studied.  He's tall.  Big.  Muscular.  Yup ... he will do.  So I focused on him all night.  He didn't take me home and marry me.  Yet.  I'm still on the fence if I want fake mixed children.
But he's given me hope.  Hope floats with Barnes.





After the heart breaking plot twist of a game ... this one was the last one of the season that I went to. Went out with a bang.  Great game.  Tracy and I went together.  But Hayley showed up with a boy. Vy was also there.  It's like all my favorite people in one awesome building at the same time!  Tracy and I played musical chairs with Hayley and her date.  And then ended up stealing seats to all sit together. Was pretty epic.  My girl.  With my girl.  With my girl.









Happy Nuggets season ya'll!

But .. hey ... yo .. Nuggs ... play harder and stop getting injured next year.  Kay?  Kay. (and don't ever ever pick up JJ ... unless you re-name him Elvis)




Monday, May 26, 2014

I heart her ...


Love ... amplified ... from my girl ...