Deep conversations with boys

Driving to school, Jackson was trying to 'school' me. He asked if I knew who the "clovis people" were and I said no, I didn't.

Jackson "well, did you know there was evidence of people before they even existed? Like it was a long time ago when no one thought anyone even existed. There's a name for those people but I can't think of it.."

Eli in the back seat .. "duh, it was called Jesus"

Mending

I learned a lesson over the course of this past week that I would not ever like to re-learn. Yes, once is enough.

You know the movie "How to Lose a Guy in 10 days?". Well, I almost lost a friend in 10 days. I could write you a book on exactly how to do that too. It's not that hard time-wise but boy the emotional toll it takes is so not worth it. I do not recommend it for those who are thinking it may be fun.

I fell out of love with a WONDERFUL person and friend last week .. but today we kissed and made up. I'm back in love and oh what a wondrous feeling that brings. It's amazing when you have not-so-great-feelings towards someone, how 'heavy' that feels. Real heavy. That weight was lifted right off today.

I won't go into details because in the future when I read this snip-it of my blog ... unfortunately I will remember those details all too well.

Suffice it to say lack of communication and loads of assumptions played a huge role in how this all went down.

It's remarkable that word 'communication' also played a prodigious role in resolving the issue today. Whoever coined the phrase "communication is key" is brilliant. For it is so true. I am grateful for her willingness to listen to me ... to cry with me ... and to simply be the person I know her to be. That was enough.

Last week I lost a friend. Today we bonded the friendship back together. I will be so bold to say that I think it's even better now.

Bliss.

Breckenridge get-away

For my birthday, Allyson wanted to have a mountain get-away this year (is that an excuse? it sounded good). She's got a time share in Breckenridge that she so graciously (thank you Ally!) shared. We gathered 6 of us together and headed north Friday afternoon.

What a refreshing, wonderful, full of laughs time we had. I think what made it better is that we had no schedule to follow, no agenda .. just time together. We spent most the weekend in our pj's (um, and funky socks) just simply hanging out laughing. Getting to know each other better .. sharing, talking, bonding.

I didn't think it was possible to laugh that much. At one point my ribs were hurting. I loved that pain.

When we arrived, we checked in and then went grocery shopping for the time we would be there. Friday night was spent in the room cooking, watching movies and playing games. Oh, and no sleep. Sat started late .. oh around 3pm we decided to get out of the room. A movie (2012 .. loooooong and INTENSE .. who chose that????? - Nadezda - ), dinner at Bubba Gumps .. then more games and laughter that night. Sunday we got up and all got massages and facials. That was the perfect note to end on.

I want to blog something in particular about this trip because it might not ever happen again. BUT while I was back in one of the bedroom alone.. I sat on the bed and looked out of the huge window at the snow falling ... almost like glitter onto the evergreens. It was peaceful .. it was a bit magical and before I knew it ... out came the words "this is beautiful". Then I said it louder so everyone could hear.


The entire weekend was beautiful. I love the friends I have made here. I am amazed at how well we all mesh .. how we all can share a piece of our own puzzles and make that fit into one. It was a treasure of a weekend .. memories were made and that's something I get to keep forever.

Thank you ..
Allyson
Shay
Robin
Melissa
and Nadezda

you overfloweth my cup ..

Jim and Niki

So we had Hayley's extended family in town for the weekend. That sounds weird. Well, and WE didn't have them in town ... they were in town for Jim's wedding. He lives near Golden. How lucky are we that we ALREADY live here. That was convenient for them to have a wedding NOW. While WE live here. Thank you Jim and Niki .. you are beautiful AND considerate.

EEKKKK. Put the brakes on. Let me back up.

Hayley's extended family. Well, really they are MY extended family too. I want to claim these people because they are just SO wonderful. Yes, I can claim them. If it weren't for me and my bad choices Hayley wouldn't even know them.

So thank you Alana .. self ... for making a bad choice .. but at least with the bad choice I gained SUCH AN AWESOME GROUP OF FAMILY.

EEKKKK. Back up again.

Jim Richardson. He is Hayley's grandfather's sister's son. Cousins. Got it? I have known him now for 17 years. That's a long time.

EEKKKK. Back up. Once again.

I made a bad choice. I already said that. From my bad choice came greatness. Hayley's father is well .. a loser. Gave up parental rights when she was five years old. Way too easy. He wanted nothing to do with us .. BUT BUT BUT there is a happy ending. His (I can't say his name ... or I could, but don't want to) father's side of the family didn't give us away when he did. They kept us. And treasured us. And protected us. And made us apart of the family. Forever. There are no words strong enough for how I feel about this family. I love them. But even better, they love me. And Hayley. Forever .. but I already said that.

Actually Nancy (click here ) and Fred (Hayley's great aunt and uncle) are in Co Springs on a mission. They are the parents of the groom. How very NICE of Jim to have his wedding while THEY are here too.

So the wedding was really great. It was nice to re-connect with the family again. The last time we saw everyone was last November but that wasn't as happy as this time. It was for Mike's (Hayley's grandfather) unfortunate funeral. I will blog about him ... eventually ... when I am emotionally ready for that. There's a special place in my heart that's only for him.

Oh my gosh .. this post is all over the place. My point is that there was a very lovely wedding that we attended this weekend. For a very lovely couple. From a very lovely family.

I am so lucky. But it's not really luck. Sometimes we learn from mistakes .. sometimes our mistakes have long term consequences ... sometimes mistakes can open windows we didn't even know existed. Hayley, of course is what came from choices I made when I was 20. I won't ever call her a mistake. I can't imagine my life without this girl. She and I grew together for a few years alone before Sean came and saved the day. Adopted her. Sealed her to us. She is now 'ours'... Forever.

Grateful for mistakes? Is that possible? Yes. Eternally grateful. I gained a daughter of God and a family some only dream of having.

bumps

I hate it when life seems to be balancing ... things seem to be going smoother. Then someone gives you that slight push and it ALL tumbles down. It's the most unsettling feeling. Friday was so wonderful. Sat wasn't bad either. I'm trying to remember what I did Sat. Oh yeah .. now I remember and it was actually not just 'not bad' .. but that day was fabulous. So fabulous I will blog about it. Eventually. After evil feelings subside.

I hate feeling out of control of my life. Feeling as if I am not in the drivers seat. It's hard to remember that I can only control myself and my reactions to situations. I can't control what other's do around me.

I talk about Hayley and how hard it is to raise her right now. That is no lie. But when someone starts spitting darts her way .. I will step in and take those hits for her. She's not easy but damn- it she's MY NOT EASY. Not anyone else's. When I say I will fight to my very last breath for that girl .. I'm not lying. I will.

Raising my girl ...I don't know if I am doing this right .. but it's the only way I know how. I am walking in the dark, feeling my way through the trees. I tripped over a bump yesterday and skinned my knees.

I'll get back up and start moving forward again. There will be a scar there but I like to think of them as little reminders.

I never understood Emma Smith and how in my mind she didn't endure to the end. I now understand her ... there's only so much pain one person can take. I understand. I am grateful for her example. Someday I plan on hugging her.

For now, I'll hug Hayley instead. Someone needs to ... someone needs to be in her corner and I'll be the first to volunteer.

The amazing incredi-mobile

Allyson, Robin and I decided to take a small shopping trip yesterday. Gordmans and groceries. "Are you sure you want to take YOUR car Alana??". I was asked this by both of my girls.

Why?? Do you not think we could fit EVERYTHING into my new little beamer?

We shopped. We conquered. We jammed to 80's music. We fit it all. I mean ALL of it. Allyson seemed to be just a bit cramped in the back seat. Just a bit. And she was hot. Really hot. I had to break out my new socks (that I only can wear in my incredi-mobile) and put them on for the drive home. Robin and I were freezing up front. Then Ally got sick. I can't imagine why?

The ride home wasn't nearly as fun as the ride up.

But whatever .. more importantly .. I fit THREE adults, FIVE large Gordman's bags and $500 worth of groceries.

And "some" say I would miss my van and the room it provided. HA!

... when I get home Hayley "mom, I know you would .. but PLEASE tell me you did not wear those socks out in public"

Random pic of the week ..

Go ahead. Take a stab at this. Any clue? It's my sink. It's a blood splatter in my sink. Don't know how it got there or who 'dropped' it there ... or out of which open hole it was dropped. I just thought it was the coolest looking blood splatter ever. It's perfectly symmetrical.

That takes talent. My kids are gifted.

So there!

Well .. WOW ... I had NO idea the support I would receive for staying true to me. For keeping my blog about me and not caring so much for what other's (negatively) think.

The encouragement to re-post the 'controversial' post was overwhelming (well outnumbered the nay sayers).

But you guys are right. When I first started this blog .. the VERY FIRST entry was the disclaimer. (if you want to re-fresh your memory click HERE) This wasn't going to be a daily Christmas card letter. Actually .. I thought the title kinda gave it away. I wanted MY blog to be real. To be honest. To say it like it is .. when it comes to my family and the things we are going through. When I look back .. I don't want to look back and simply see a perfect painting of our life. No, not so much. When I look back I want to be able to see the trials we went through and say "we made it".

From now on.. I will post what I want to post. Say what I want to say. Be who I am. Even if it's not what other's think I should.

I vow from now on to NEVER take a post off after I have published it.

If you don't like what I write .. DON'T READ IT. This is simply a matter of choice...

Really .. and thanks to everyone who emailed, facebooked and commented in support of me..

I CHERISH YOU!!

(it's back up .. in the order it was first published .. so you have to go back a few entries if you missed it the first time around)

post bday surprise..

So it was November 2nd .. I was just waking up and this is what the boys brought me.

I do believe these are my favorite b-day presents (I love that the papers are taped together with duct tape ... such a boy thing, that turns into a man thing - look out ladies!).

I love these guys to pieces!!

#36

NOVEMBER 1st, 1973

It's my birthday. But I don't feel any older. And certainly not any wiser.

I'll chase that fountain of youth for as long as I can ..

So I thought I would post 36 things about me. Just because.

#1 I don't like lasagna

#2 I love to run. It de-stresses me. I use it as my thinking time. And I'm a bit obsessed with trying to keep my body fit.

#3 I can't live without my cell phone. If I lose it for two seconds, my heart starts racing .. my palms get sweaty...

#4 I have to have white noise when I sleep

#5 I never ever paint my fingernails .. but my toenails are ALWAYS painted.

#6 I love jewelry. Silver. Chunky. But not gaudy.

#7 I also don't like icecream. Such a waste of calories. If I'm gonna inhale unhealthy foods .. it's got to be like cookies or cake or donuts.

#8 I like quilts, not comforters

#9 I have an addictive personality. So I try to stay away from the alcohol and drugs.

#10 I love having friends around me. It feels like a warm blanket.

#11 I am shy initially .. I think it's because I am trying to silently gather information first before I put myself out there. Because I'm certainly not shy on the inside.

#12 I like hip hop music. Really .. I do. It's the beat. Kinda makes me feel invincible.

#13 I don't know how to appreciate museums. They bore me.

#14 I love the smell of clean laundry. Don't like doing it but love the end result.

#15 I love running into people in random places while shopping. It's like it's meant to be that I saw that person. Makes me have a 'full' feeling.

#16 I like making a fool out of myself in public places. Only when I have my buds around me though. By myself I would look like a psycho. With friends ... it provides the best kind of entertainment.

#17 I love the color pink.

#18 I hate roses. Any color. Any kind. I think they are way over-used (if that's even a word)

#19 I don't regret things that I should. Maybe that's a character flaw.

#20 I wish I could cut my hair really really short. But I can't bring myself to do it.

#21 I don't consider 'hell' a curse word. 'damn' is close second but 'hell' certainly not.

#22 I love sex. Yeah, I said it. Filter came off for a moment but that's okay cause it's my bday and I can say whatever the 'hell' I want. But really, come on - let's be honest. It's fabulous...

#23 I wish I didn't have stretch marks. If I could pay someone to remove them ... I would.

#24 I shouldn't wear a bikini.. but I do. No one should have to look at those stretch marks.

#25 I can't go to sleep without having a shower. I don't believe in getting into a clean bed .. dirty from the day.

#26 My favorite number is 12. Lots of things come in a dozen.

#27 I've discovered this past year that I don't like painting. I'll hire someone next time.

#28 I like doing a man's job. It makes me feel powerful when I learn how to change a sprinkler head on my own.

#29 I don't get into celebrities... or actors ... or famous people.

#30 Ikea is my favorite home store

#31 I've learned that fantasy is better than reality. Sometimes.

#32 I don't believe in love at first sight. The very thought is just corny.

#33 I love making lists and being able to check things off .. it's really like a 'high'

#34 I like being organized but the older I get the harder it is to hang onto that

#35 I hate snow (shocker)

#36 Someday I will live where it is warm year round. I love the beach, summer, flipflops, the smell of freshly cut grass, riding with the windows down, warm nights, running barefoot on warm concrete, flushed cheeks, tanned skin .... Okay I am making myself a little upset ... there's snow on the ground as I write.

I am now going to go close my eyes and wish myself somewhere warm on my bday...

A quiet Halloween

Halloween was just a bit .. weird .. for me this year. It's a night that is usually filled with noise, lots of noise ... always a bit stressful trying to get a meal going, helping to get costumes on and at the same time trying to answer the door to trick or treaters. Then it's balancing taking them around the block and handing out candy.

This year was different. Hayley went to Elitches with a group of friends. Jackson and Eli got their costumes on by themselves and shuffled out the door with just enough time for me to snap a couple of pictures of them. They were off. By themselves. For the first year. They didn't need me.

The door shut and I found myself alone in the kitchen looking around not quite knowing what to do. It was quiet. It was eerie. It was different.

My kids are all growing up and becoming quite independent. I have to say that after the shock wore off I kind of liked it. It was just left to me and Sophie to hand out candy. I was able to take time to enjoy all the ghosts and ghouls and goblins that came to my door.

Them becoming independent allows me to have more freedom. It's a different stage in my life. My babies are not babies anymore. And that's okay.

Happy Independent Halloween!

Offensive

Apparently I have offended a few people. I removed the controversial blog so no one has to re-read any of those words. I will try to fix my internal filter.

So for those who were made to feel uncomfortable by that blog...

I'm sorry

Controversial

Again, sometimes my filter doesn't work. Well, a lot of the time. If I am willing to discuss my breast implants in a blog .. I suppose not much is off limits.

Some of us girls had a pretty good discussion last week at Bunko. Someone posed the question .. that if you knew your daughter was having or going to have sex would you put her on birth control.

Well, do you?

Some would say that if you do then you are giving her permission to have sex.

I say .. if she's going to do it .. she's going to do it - whether you give her permission or not. I certainly don't want to be a grandmother at 36. So for me .. I'll do it. For sure.

And this brings me to my baby girl. From the first moment I looked into her innocent newborn eyes I had a fear. One of my greatest fears was that she would have sex before she was married. Before she was ready. Why that became a fear I focused on .. not sure. But it was.

So what do you do when your greatest fear stares you right in the face?

For me .. I had to stare back. And act. I think the easy way out is to ignore it. That was a thought .. a fleeting one.

Hayley has grown up in the church. I have taught her right from wrong.. good from bad. Consequences for actions .. both immediate and delayed. Can I control every choice she makes? I sure the heck tried. Sure the heck didn't work.

But now I have to ask myself if she makes a bad choice .. do I ignore it? No. Disown her. Not a chance. Turn my back on her? Certainly not.

I want my home to be a place where we can discuss topics openly. I think I have accomplished that goal. We have a pact at this point to where if I ask her a question ... sometimes she comes back with, "do you really want to know the answer, because I will tell you". Boom .. it's back on me. That's okay. It's hard but in my opinion a necessary hard. Frank, honest, open.

Mormon or not .. she's going to make choices and has made choices that I don't agree nor endorse nor encourage. Never-the-less she has her free agency that I can not take away from her. Nor should I try because that will only alienate me from her life.

For those out there who want to clue me in on what is going on in Hayley's life... trust me, I know. And probably knew well before you. I may not want to know, but I do. And as painful as it is .. I still know. One thing I won't be is clueless about my teenager. I refuse to wear blinders that others may. I refuse to even think that my daughter won't make bad choices. I will not have the Molly- Mormon -my -daughter -never -does -wrong -attitude.

I will stare my fear in the eye.

Back to birth control. Will I protect my daughter? To my very last breath.


So .. that brings me to a few days ago in the doctor's office with Hayley. On the table. Crying. On the verge of hysterics. She didn't want the shot. Interesting. It's like my 15 year old wanting to make choices she's not ready for, turning in to my little 5 year old getting an immunization shot. Visions of her being my little girl flashed in front of me. This wasn't fun. Not at all. On so many different levels.


She turns to the nurse, tears flowing "is this going to hurt??"

Nurse looks at me "well, yes dear, yes it is. it's actually the biggest needle we have".

I snicker. I really, honestly couldn't help it.

Hayley looks at me and says "I hate you."

I look back and lovingly smile "I hate you too."
Our relationship has taken on a new level. I am going to try to embrace it with a smile. What other choice do I have?


So, you think this can't happen to you too? Well, IF it does - pull up a chair, grab a coke .. and I'll listen.

Will work for ...

It's snowing. A lot. I realized that last year I spent quite a lot of energy complaining about the snow. And how much I hated it. And how it makes me cranky. And guess what? It didn't stop it from coming down. I am going to try .. really .. really .. hard not to complain about the snow this season. Because, really I live in CO and it's just my reality.

So today it's snowing. So beautiful. And calming. Perfect day to stay inside and bake and stay in my jammies. And watch all of my wonderful children play on their day off. Warm and toasty...

Yeah, this isn't working. Schools were cancelled today. That means HAYLEY is home. Nostalgic mood over. Anyone want a 15 year old .. she'll work for food. Never mind .. she doesn't work.

She has been having these migraines lately. They are bad. Super sensitive to light and sound and they make her throw up. Problem is .. I just have no sympathy left in me. None. That doesn't sound very good.. no, not at all. BUT she's 15 and that means when she has these .. she's HOME with me. Did I mention she's 15?? (fyi .. it's not a fun age) Cramps my style. Cramps me period. She has missed so much school .. that she frankly can't afford to miss. I am really afraid she's not going to pass her Sophomore year. That's scary .. because potentially that means she's home for an ENTIRE extra year.

At this point .. her grades really are suffering. Really. I shoot straight so am not afraid to rat her out like this. It's just fact. She came home super excited a few weeks ago about her grades. "MOM .. guess what??? I totally brought ALL my grades up. Instead of F's .. I have all D's". AWESOME job little girl .. here's a cookie.

So for once, she didn't wake up with a blinding migraine today .. she had all the potential in the world for going to school. But alas, a snow day. She's home.

I wonder .. possibly .. if I get out and shovel a path for each one of her teacher's directly to school, could they please open up - just for her?

OH YEAH .. I love snow. So beautiful... And calming....