a pit in my stomach

Sometimes when I sit down to blog the filter comes off. And usually I'm okay with that. But I have to watch it with this blog or my world could fall apart around me. I feel it necessary to express some feelings .. with my filter.

I can do that.

Sure I can.

Today I feel pretty betrayed. Honestly, there are few people on the planet that I trust. And that's the kind of complete trust that I can carefully place in other's hands. Not many. My kids are on that list. I can't imagine they could ever betray me .. but I guess there's still time. As adults .. maybe they could.

But today. There was a person whom I thought was in that category. Someone whom I haven't EVER said a bad word about ... someone whom I love ... adore ... care for ... (and honestly I still do.. it's hard to simply make those strong feelings go away) I seriously thought they were super close to me.

As it turns out .. not so much. Could be age .. like immaturity... could be that this person secretly hates me. Lots of could be's. To protect my feelings and emotions, today I will choose to put it in the immaturity category... saying things to others that perhaps made them feel more important .. maybe they felt like it was smart to announce to others that they have information that would be "cool" to hear...

Be careful about the things you announce about other's lives .. to people you think may not ever have a connection to the other.

Sometimes that'll just kick ya in the ass.

I went through a series of emotions. Shock .. anger ... disappointment .. sadness... thoughts of suicide (JUST KIDDING .. thought I'd lighten it up). I've worked on this blog for a couple of days and now those feelings have turned into a 'I just don't give a shit' attitude.

What was said ... was said. I could confront this person. Haven't decided if I do that because it'll create this wave of drama that I'm not sure I need in my life currently. Kinda have enough on my plate. I think what upsets me the most is there is an entire group of people who I respect and have come to love who thinks of me in a way that isn't completely truthful. That's damaging to my character. That talk about me in less than admiring ways .. that I had NO idea about. Makes me feel somewhat like an idiot. Maybe over the course of the few years I have known them .. they can come to their own conclusion and judge me by my character in person and not what's been said about me.. that might not be accurate.

Isn't this all just a bunch of code? Isn't this all like inside talk? Isn't this all kinda annoying when you read it and have no clue what the hell I'm talking about? Probably ...

But years later when I read this .. I can be silently reminded .. mostly so I know never to do it to someone else. Never to say something about someone I love that could potentially damage their character to others. Aren't life lessons learned awesome? Even if learned the hard way ..

Makes my stomach feel a little sick. Then I get this twitch in the back of my throat that makes me want to cry. Then my eyes start to water. Then my throat has that anti-gag reaction that prevents me from crying. Swallow that lump. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to cry .. because that shows weakness. That shows I was affected. I want to be stronger .. to stay angry to cover up the sadness.

But ... it's inevitable.

I just simply feel sad.