On a grammy commentary ...

The Grammy's were on last week. I told each member of my family that I will make them dinner ... tend to their every last need ... even clean up after each of them. But at 7pm I would disappear to my room to watch TV and not ONE soul will interrupt me while I drool over black men who can sing.

My dear friend Shami and I texted through the entire show. It was like she was sitting right there with me.

It's a shame that we weren't "officially" in charge of the "official" commentary for the Grammy's. I could actually envision our comments scrolling on the bottom of the screen for the world to read.

That's in a perfect R rated world ... so for this blog .. I'll dumb some of it down into a PG-13 world.

S "Bruno Mars was sick singing Grenade all motown like. Loved it!"

A "LOVED IT! I wanna see Katy Perry. U know .. cause she's hot and all"

S "How did Christina Agulera get fatter than she was last week at the Superbowl? Yeah .. cannot wait for Katy to turn candy into porn. Classy"

A "maybe her man will be in the audience sportin' a pornstache"

S "Excited for Dre and Eminem to kill it"

A "We are the same person. What's a beiber?"

S "Beiber is another word for gay boy with gay hair"

A "LOVE ME SOME USHER"

S "Who the ... are these old dudes up for nominations. This part should have been done earlier in the day, not televised"

A "Who cares about rock anyway"

S "Exactly ... were those the Beetles children?"

A "Yes .. because he borrowed his dad's pants"

A "Love the boobs and ass on Gaga tonight"

S "She has found her niche apparently"

A "freak"

S "S** missed Gaga. Way to need that diaper changed. Kids"

A "And now we have more freaks on"

S "Is that a banjo and a ball cap all on one person? The keyboard player clearly had four mind erasers b4 preforming that stellar number"

A "And we are graced with TWO numbers"

A "And more banjo's with ol' Bob"

S "This is the dramatic portion of the program. The "artist" heard The Academy Awards. Wrong show dumbasses"

S "Isn't Dylan dead yet? This may be a performance from the grave. Not sure."

A "Poor Bob .. one foot in the grave isn't a good look. Or a good sound"

S "What's not a good look is the boy in back who thinks he can toe step well with a ribbon for a tie"

A "I've never wanted a commercial so bad"

S "Nobody has dear"

A "I. Can. Not. Read. I. Had. To. Memorize."

S "What is up with the Sarah Palin bangs?"

A "Quote from Hayley .. "I thought she was prettier. Maybe that's when she didn't have bangs"

S "Do the guys in the trio get any action with a group called Lady Antebellum? Do think think so."

A "Who cares about country"

S "This is the Grammy's. Not the CMT's"

A "Uh .. peacock isn't working for me. Helooks like he has a shiny condom on his head. G-A-Y"

S "Elton John meets African American. PS .. that's us politically correct. You are welcome"

S "Kay, jewel encrusted ta-ta's"

A "She's like ... normal ... what's wrong with her?"

A "Another Halloween idea with the tata's"

S "I don't know if I can wear a skirt that shows off my vagina"

A "What's that tat on her arm say?"

S "I'm ugly without makeup. In Chinese script of course"

S "Eminem was just robbed. Bullshit"

A "but ... he's UP NEXT"

S "I hope Rhianna doesn't have ghetto ho red hair. She is way to pretty for that"

A "not to mention the drapes won't match the rug"

A "wonder what row Chris is sitting in?"

S "next to security"

A "Nice .. her crotch is on fire .. it's the theme of the night"

S "Is Big Bird under her dress?"

A "Enter YAWN"

S "Always worried about helping musicians. Blah blah blah .. what about the homeless?"

A "or the starving children in Africa?"

S "Love our shared brain. Thank God during the recession these

guys kept making music. Where would we all be? We don't know these dead people .. come on"

A "What does ANY OF THIS MATTER??"

A "and ... here comes ugly"

S "M Jagger .. reminds me of a walking penis. That is what a penis would look like if it were a human being"

A "Watching this upsets my stomach"

S "Is this dude anorexic or gay? That is such a large mouth for such a small man"

A "Will this song ever end?"

A "He scored that jacket from the waiter last night"

S "Was he eating at a homosexual flea market?"

A "No. Chip-n-dales"

A "I think I may stop breathing. Boredom will cause it"

S "Barbara is looking good for an old jew"

A " .. and HERE'S my Will"

A "with the red gloves. Why wasn't I born black?"

S "So glad for Eminem ... tough times for awhile but now he's back!"

A "Rhianna's a pyro. Had no idea"

S "What's in Puffy's mouth? Here we go with some good music"

S "No Alana. We are not incorporating those tassels into our costumes. Are those Wonder Woman underoo's?"

A "Damn. But we've scored some new moves"

S "Does Jlo look embarrassed by her husband? I believe yes. I predict a break up soon"

A "Lo actually rolled her eyes at him"

S "This Lady shit is getting old. Maybe Taylor Swift could come steal and award from Eminem next"

A "Seriously .. Arcade Fire?? Low budget. Guys off the street to bike on stage? Couldn't afford dancers ... that's why"

S "I am thinking of stabbing my eyes out at this point. They do have megaphones though"

A "Plz tell me this isnt the last band? I want to have good dreams and not nightmares. Yes .. megaphones .. they could afford drugs before the show though"

S "I think these guys were found at the closest mental hospital"

S "The bike dude needed that camelback for his long ride"

A "It can be exhausting when you're on crack"

S "That's what Ms. Lohan has been saying"

A "As she's running out of the store with her stolen goods"

S "She's just looking for a new lesbo and prison is an excellent place to find it"

A "Lost all faith .. the stoner won. Nightmares await"

S "This show blows. Now I understand where Kanye's anger stems from. Have a great night .. turning the tv off now"

A "Me too .. thx for hangin .. night babe"