On lost and found ...

This story may or may not have a happy ending. I should look at the whole thing with a glass half full perspective.


But, not me. I'll look at it as if you're tipping the glass over looking for half a drop and it aint there.


Hayley has a biological father. That isn't Sean. Sean legally adopted her when she was 5 years old.


But this biological father contacted her. Out of the blue. Way out of the blue. He has been out of the picture since Hayley was three. Nothing. As in NO CONTACT what-so-ever. I'm trying to set this up for what it is. But when I say none. I mean no card .. no phone call .. no letter ... no money ... nada. He even gave up parental rights so that Sean could adopt her.


So he contacts her about 6 weeks ago. To my shock and awe she is beyond thrilled. Beyond. I have yet to comprehend. Probably because my brain is fully developed. And hers .. just isn't.


For kicks ..I will call him the Sperm Donor .. aka "SD". This works out beautifully because his real initials are "SD"... thank you for setting that up nicely.


At first it started off as Facebook messages. Then progressed to emails .. which progressed to chatting on yahoo messenger .. which then leads to texting. Texting. Non-stop ... day and night.
After 17 years why? Why now? I only can see this through my eyes .. and here's what it looks like in the raw...


He gave her up. Does he have the right to get to know her as her "father"? He has moved on with his life. She is a stranger to him. He doesn't know her. I raised her for 14 years without him. I went through all the shitty .. hard ... difficult years. Where was he? But now he just gets to waltz in and proceed to call himself "dad"? The nerve. Of it all.


Not only that .. he's showering her with gifts and money. What teenager wouldn't love ANYONE who did that?


Bless her little heart. I try to understand .. to be supportive. For her. She wants desperately to have something of her very own.


He actually flew her and Jacob out to Virginia where he lives last week for two weeks. Kinda having a hard time with this. I wanna yell and scream and throw a two year old tantrum. Not sure where that would get me .. but it sure would feel good to do it.


So .. she's there now. With SD. Having the time of her life. Meeting all kinds of new people. Oh .. you know .. like a grandmother. Who abandoned her as well for 14 years. I'm not bitter. Nah ... She's been shopping .. to Kings Dominion .. to museums ... go karting .. eating out ... and on her way to the beach today. To stay at a beach house that he owns. In Myrtle Beach. Gonna rent wave runners ... and frolic on the beach. I'm sure holding hands .. like a father and daughter who haven't seen each other WOULD.


She's having SO MUCH FUN that it seems to be really hard for her to text or call me. I understand.

NO I DO NOT UNDERSTAND!!!!

Here are some of my fears .. even if I have no reason for the fears .. they are still very real. In my head.


#1 She's going to like him so much (and again .. who wouldn't with all the showering of gifts and money) that she will want to go THERE to live. Away from me .. and choose him.


#2 She's going to come home and be angry at ME for whatever he fed her brain there (let me also throw this out there ... since day one I have NEVER ever said one negative thing about him to her. I have never given her a reason to dislike him as a person. I have always been open with her .. she's had access to pictures .. and videos and memories that I have saved through out the years).


#3 She will be mad at me for not showering her with money and gifts when she comes home.


(another side note .. when she was planning the trip and I started complaining that it was a two week trip instead of a one week trip she was quick to tell me the tickets are non-refundable. And - I will use quotes here ... "if you want me home earlier then YOU are going to have to pay to change the tickets. After all mom .. you have not spent ONE dime on this trip"... I will just chalk this up to her underdeveloped brain. The end.)


#4 He will hurt her again. He will abandon her for the second time. Then I will have to pick up the pieces just like I did years ago ... undo more damage and hurt.


#5 Or that she will like him better than me. That's it. Period.


I have worked SO HARD to develop a great relationship with this girl. We are friends .. we are like sisters ... she's honest and open with me and I'm the same with her ... we have an incredible bond. And bottom line .. ALL of that has been threatened. It was so hard to come to this point and time with this girl.. we've been through hell and back. This is just so unfair .. that there's an opportunity for this stranger to enter our lives and mess it all up.


Lesson learned in all of this. Poor choices when you are younger can have lasting effects.


I'll hold on to hope that this WILL have a happy ending. I should look at the glass as an almost full glass. That there are just more people to love Hayley in this world.


I'll try to hold on to that hope ... I'm hanging. But my hands and my heart are slipping ...