Endings. And beginnings.

It's the end.  Before it's the beginning again.

That was the quote I used for my yearbook senior picture.

And now Hayley is there.

18.

Bittersweet for me.

I'm sad.  That this phase in my life .. her life .. has come to an end.  I've done all I can do.  I've parented all I can parent.  I know she will always be my little girl ... but this is like crossing over a bridge.  One that won't be crossed back.

As I write .. the lump in the back of my throat is choking me.

A few weeks ago .. she approached me and said that since she is turning 18 and is "officially" an adult ... she is moving out.  What?  You can't DO that.  Why mom?  Because I said so.  But I'm an adult and can do what I want.  Right - but why would you WANT to?  Because mom ... it's so hard living here in this house **okay .. I had to take a time out here.  seriously?  hard to live here?  outline of Hayley's "hard" life in my house ...

10-11am - wake up
11am - 4pm - nanny .. or shop ...eat... go out with friends ... shop some more
5pm - go to Tristan's house and hang out

(insert me texting around 11pm.  "be home by midnight")

around midnight - depending on her mood .. comes home.

Repeat.  Every.  Single.  Day.

So I can see how this would be extremely taxing on her.  I'd die if I had to live like that.

her "I don't want anyone telling me what to do or what time to be home"
me "so .. you're going to move out because of that?"
her "yeah. And I'm going to be an adult.  I want to see what it's like to be an adult"

Sure.  It's quite awesome.

I'd love to say I walked away and had a few moments to myself to think.  No .. no .. not so much.  Pretty much, I freaked the F out.  Freaked.  Yelled.  Demanded.  Cried.  Told her I was taking her car away.  If you can't drive away ... you can't drive away fool.

I was having one of those good freak out moments in the grocery store on the phone with her one day about it.  Chip aisle.  Stood in the middle.  I quiet yelled at her.  Then hung up on her.  Stood there.  Eli comes up to me and ever so carefully says "mom?  .. it's okay .. just let her go".  I had to grin.  Thank you Eli for the profound words.  Actually made me stop and think - what the heck's the big deal?  But then he says "besides .. I want her room".

Then... I stopped freaking out.

Sat on it for about a week.  Then walked in her room and told her we needed to chat.  I asked her where she was going to go.  To a friends house.  His mom's.  No rent.  She has an apartment above garage I can use.  Um.  Okay.  Let's talk about finances.
#1 - I won't pay for your car insurance anymore.  You have to have your own policy.
       "sure.  okay"
#2 - you have to get your own phone line.  I won't pay for your phone.
       "sure.  okay"
#3 - you have to get your own health insurance.
       "sure okay"
** then I looked at her ... and imagined her pregnant .... and took that one back.  I will still provide your health insurance if you promise me that you will NOT get pregnant.
       "sure. okay"
#3 - if you do leave .. and need to come back for any reason, you are always welcome here.  BUT it will not be the same.  Eli has claimed your room.  It will be his from now on.  If you need to move back in .. you'll have to figure something out in the basement.
       "sure.  okay"

Okay.  Breathe.  Taught her a little about finances.  Talked about how the move out process was going to go.  Felt a little better.  Why fight this?


A few days later .... I discover that she's now going to move into her boyfriend's house with his family.  Felt like someone punched me in the gut.  This required a trip to my therapist .. life coach.  


I came away from that session with different perspectives.  Much different than the only one I had going in, which was - lock Hayley up.
One - my job as far as teaching/parenting are over.  She is an adult.  She can make decisions on her own.  They may not be the choices I would make or even the choices I want her to make.  My job at this point is to keep her physically safe.  And to make sure she has knowledge the make it on her own.

Okay.  Breathe.  AGAIN.  In Eli's words ... Let her go.

So the next week, she spends packing.  Moving things out.  A little at a time.  I lay on the couch and watch.  How is it that I am silently dying inside ...and she's singing ... dancing ... chatty ... simply happy?

me laying on the couch sulking.  her as she's happy .. giddy ..taking loads to the car

By the time her actual birthday comes ... most of her things are gone.  There's mostly just mess .. trash ... and big furniture left in her room.  Eli helps me get the last of her things out.  But I open her closet to discover all her "memories" ... and I slowly start packing those away and taking them down to the basement.  It hit me when I was putting her high school year books in a box, next to my year books, in the basement.  Then the tears.  The hard, sobbing ... the ugly red swollen eyes kind.  Trips from her room, to the basement.  Memories.  The finality.  It's over.  My baby is gone.  She may return, sure.  But she is moving on to other things in life.  Never to return to my little girl again.

Sigh.

I collapsed at some point on Hayley's floor after everything was out of her room.  I look up and the only thing left on her wall was a picture of us when she was a baby.  A blink.  How did this happen?  Tears.  The painful ones.

Eli comes to lay next to me on the floor.  Why are you crying mom?  Because I'm going to miss your sister.  That's why.  Oh.  Well .. you'll feel much better when this room isn't pink anymore.  Can we go pick out paint?  Now?

So ... I have put every ounce of energy .. thought ...into getting this room ready for Eli.  Starting over.  No room to be sad .. cause we've got a room to put together.  Snap out of sad.  And into a new kind of happy.  For Eli.

The day after she turns 18 she calls me in a panic "MOM!!!!  I'm at AT&T and you will NOT believe this.  Well.  So.  I tried to get my own account.  And listen to this s*** ... I can NOT get my own phone line.  Why?  Because I don't have credit.  Who ever heard of this crap??  What am I supposed to do NOW??"
me "well .. daughter .. pay as you go?  I don't know .. but I gotta go ... I'm in the middle of painting.  PS .. welcome to adulthood"
"Real funny mom.  And thanks a lot"

Moving on to two days after she turns 18.  Another phone call.

"so mom .. I wanted to tell you this before I do it.  Because I have enough respect for you"


"um .. what the hell Hayley .. seriously WHAT NOW?"


"I'm on my way to get a tattoo.  You can come watch if you want to"

Honestly .. can't she just STOP already.  Sit still Hayley.  C'mon.  Work with me.  I want to jump off the roof at this point.

"what's it going to be of?"


"you'll see"


"okay .. well where?"


"on my wrist"

that's right.  her wrist.  of our dog's name.  She has NO choice but to name her first child Sophie.  

We shared some more words.  She's doing what she's going to do.  Regardless of how I feel.  I ended by thanking her for calling.  And no, I politely decline the offer to join.  But ... I hope it hurts.  Bad.

I had to make a call to the mother for this.  To apologize.  For being 18. For putting her through this same kind of hell.  She assured me Hayley will recover her mind.  One day.  And I will like her again.

And then I had to go back to my mantra for Hayley.

"It could be worse"

Repeat.

But in all honesty, I simply miss her.