The insides ...

So ... well ... I'll blog about pretty much anything.

My insides should be no different.

I've got stomach issues.  Have for the past 5 years or so.  Progressively it's gotten worse.  And frankly, it's just annoying.  I have gone through countless elimination diets.  Nothing seems to matter.  Went for allergy testing .. of course, not even slightly allergic to ONE SINGLE THING.  Blood tests .. celiac negative ... upper GI is normal.

Every time I go get another new test done .. it's almost like I hope for something to be wrong.  Who does that?  Please .. please let something be wrong.  That way .. maybe I can treat it.  Or change something.  Whatever.  Of course, it's me.  And it remains a mystery.

I can really only eat bland boring food ... seems to be key for keeping me semi-balanced.

BUT there are things like cookies .. and cake... and brownies .. and icecream ... and chips ... and pizza ...JUNK that force their way into my mouth.  So hence, I suffer the consequences.  I have taken out as much gluten as I can from my diet as well .. seems to help.  Then again, maybe that's in my head.  I mean .. there's a lot in my head. You know .. like the mind is powerful .. so maybe I believe my own crap I tell myself.

So the latest test I had done was a colonoscopy.  WHOA!  THAT sounds like fun.  I dreaded it.  Delayed it.  But I want a fix so bad .. I made the appointment and was determined to keep it.

First of all .. it's the actual procedure that is terrifying to think of.

I AM HERE TO ANNOUNCE THAT IS NOT THE CASE.  N.O.T.

It's the prep.  Oh.  My.  Anus.  The RX "movipro" is evil.  Pure hatred.  Your insides scream - WHAT IS THIS??  And then tries to find any way possible to rid your body of the evilness.

Drink two of these with the solution?  No prob.  No big deal.

HUGE.  DEAL.  

No one really quite prepares you for the volcano that happens out of your ass the day before.

Like I didn't even know it was possible to be so cleaned out that you pee from your butt.

I do not remember those words from the dr "careful .. do not plan on being 1/2 foot away from your bathroom for about 10 hours".  How hard was that to just say?

Anyway ... got it.

THAT was the difficult part.  THAT and not eating for what felt like 52 days.  Minus the 50 part .. but... details.

By the time I got to the hospital I wanted to beg -- please please stick your camera up there already.  PLEASE. HURRY.  And bring some cookies with you.

Not that anyone remembers that part anyway .. you aren't aware of anything.  Much less being violated.  The violated part came the day before.

Hayley took me to the appointment.  So she could drive me home.  Apparently I'm not a good patient after I've got anesthesia running through my veins.  Afterwards I guess was like a mini freak show.  Okay Ms. Wester .. time to get dressed.  Um. No thanks.  Well you have to get dressed.  Yeah .. no thanks.  Mom - seriously put your clothes on.  Okay fine .. but I'm not putting my sweatshirt on.  Did your mom take her heart rate monitor stickers off?  Yup ..and she decorated her discharge papers as well.  Do you want crackers "Alana" .. it's "ALAINA and YES"  As I declared those the BEST tasting crackers on the planet.  Here are your results from the test .. and some pictures of your intestines.  OH MY GOSH THOSE ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL INSIDES EVER.  LIKE EVER.  Hayley look at these.  No wait .. mr nurse .. did you SEE this?  It's so beautiful.  Yes ALAINA.  And I have a question (raising my hand to be called on) and look at what my arms can do.  Now .. really you have to go now.  Why?  I can't walk.  Then we will get you a wheelchair.  But I don't want a wheelchair.
GOOD LORD MOM ... WE ARE LEAVING!!!

(the most flattering photo ever compliments of Hayley)

I don't remember the car ride home. I think all Hayley wanted at this point was me in my own bed.  Anywhere away from her, really.

I do remember, however ... that I puked for 7 hours after.  No ... really ... me and anesthesia don't mix.

BUT I HAVE THE MOST AWESOME NEWS EVER ....

My results are normal ...