I was going to go the route with Halloween ... like all cute ... look at my kids. They are so adorable (okay so that's truth) ... and so fun ... and these were their costumes. And this was a fun night ... and we all had a blast. Which maybe parts of that were true. I do think my kiddos had a great time at Halloween. I mean .. what kid doesn't? Even Hayley up in Greeley got into the spirit of the holiday.
So here's how my night went.
It's Halloween mom - can we skip school tomorrow? uh. no.
Don't forget your pillowcases children ... and get good stuff for me to steal later. Said not out loud.
Jackson wore the same thing he wore last year. Clearly as teenagers .. the costumes really are an afterthought. It's more about the night ... going out with your buddies ... maybe scoring some candy if you feel like it. And scaring little children along the way.
So here's Jackson's costume. Stand here Jman. Lemme get your pic. Hmmmm...
Here's with the flash on ...
Quick pic with the friends before they rush out the door ...
J and the girlfriend. Say what? Say who? Yeah .. but she's so cute though. Are you holding hands? Did you just put your arm around her? Stop that. You're 5 .. in my head ... just stop it.
Hayley clearly had more important Halloween business to attend to in her college town. She sent these pics ... she's some kind of monster. What? I don't know. And I certainly didn't know monsters were sexy? A sexy monster. Reminds me of Eminem and Rihanna's song "Monsters" ... yeah .. I could be friends with the monster that's under my bed ... if it were a sexy monster.
And this is the boyfriend .. Guy. Guy is from England who had a cool accent. Guy was from England who had a cool accent who was also a complete phycho freakazoid who is never allowed to contact my daughter again. We shall discuss him in an upcoming blog ... all to himself.
And Eli? Where was Eli? What's his costume? His was this ... no costume. In one hand a pillowcase. In the other a flashlight ... he runs past me in a complete blur ..
"okay mom .. cya .. gotta meet my friends ... we will be back late... no I'm not wearing a costume ... and no I'm not going to TP anyone and if the cops see me, don't worry because I'm so fast ... I'll run so fast"
SLAM. He's gone. Just like that.
And just like that ... there's my Halloween.
Except I was feeling lonely. And why can't I have a costume too? Where will I wear it? No where. That's okay. I had been watching Breaking Bad religiously during this time. And Walter White is my hero. He was a chemistry teacher .. who got cancer .. with no money ... so decided to start making meth. Brilliant show. And pretty much I really thought I could be Walter. And make meth. It looked so easy. So I wanna be Walter. What better time than Halloween ... to be anything I wanted. A meth dealer. Yup.
Meet Walter ..
Not sure why this pic is blurry ... like it's super easy to see out of a gas mask to take a selfie.
This is where my post gets raw. If you would not like to read further for fear of being mentally damaged .. I'm cool with it.
So then after everyone was gone ... the house was silent. I was walking around .. in my meth suit. Suddenly feeling off. Like dysfunctional. And sad. And alone. And thinking what the hell ... the highlight of my life is this? Is this what I have become?
The doorbell rings ... I hand out candy. In my meth suit. Happy Halloween. Oh you are so cute. Here ya go cute stuff. Aww ... a bloody vampire ... how sweet. Look at your homemade costume. How adorable. Your mother must love you. She must have way more time on her hands than I do. I did insist my boys brush their teeth this morning .. however, they did not floss. Puzzled looks. Run away.
Something inside me was building. I clearly have some issues to work through .. but for some reason this Halloween season was just pissing me off. All the cute little happy families coming to the door. My neighbor who hates me .. had to hand candy to them. Like really ... you have made it known that your children can NOT associate with mine. And now I have to give you free candy? I hope your parents that are standing at the end of the driveway know I'm wearing a meth suit. But then again.... they are so uncool ... they wouldn't watch super bad ass shows like Breaking Bad anyway.
Then ... then ... then ... to top my anti-happiness, grumpy ass mood ... a family of 7 came to my door. Yes. 7. If they weren't Mormon .. they should definitely convert. Because they have the large family deal checked off the list. And yes, their costumes were all homemade. How freaking cute ... (freaking in this instance wouldn't be a positive adjective .. say it with me .. freaking ... sarcastic). It's the Seven Dwarf's. I immediately scan for grumpy. Where is he?
That's it. No more. Not one more happy- homemade- freaking adorable- costume wearing- doorbell ringing face can I take.
I lost my mind. I mean .. it happens. But not usually while wearing a meth costume and around small children.
Without a second thought. I walked outside. With my huge bowl of candy. And threw it all in the front yard. Yes. I did. Just like that. Let's pretend it's a scavenger hunt kids. And no one even has to be reminded to say "thank you". It's a drive by ... grab n go.
Walked inside. Left the porch light on. Just for fun. Took a chill out pill. Ran a bath ... and read a magazine. Smiling. Sophie by the tub wondering what the heck was going on. And every time the doorbell rang .. I let out a little sinister laugh.
What did I gain from any of this? Absolutely nothing. I just need to deal a bit better with the fact that my kids are growing up ... and I've got to find a new kind of normal. Next time though, I'll be less evil and turn off the porch light.
Happy Freaking Halloween.
1 comment:
I love you. Your post made me feel sarcastic. But the I love you is truth.
Post a Comment